What is “rolling birth control?” It’s a term that represents a vehicle that, for one reason or another, significantly lowers your chances of destroying its interior amid coitus. It’s a vehicle that repulses the sex-drive of others, it’s a ride that makes onlookers embarrassed (not to mention your passengers) – it’s a sad statement about the driver too. It’s something that’s been visited by the ugly-stick, more than once.
That’s not to say that any of the vehicles listed below are bad; no, some are downright terrible. These turkeys simply fail in aesthetics, engineering and/or passion. Two of these vehicles was forced upon me as a penalty for racing or acting like a hooligan… successfully keeping me in check and a childless teen. Rolling birth control – indeed.
I guess that was a good thing.
This list is in no particular order – they all suck.
1976 AMC Matador Coupe – This car was driven by me as a penalty for messing around via my parents. Francisco Scaramanga, the antagonist from The Man with the Golden Gun drove one too. The result? Scaramanga got killed by James Bond and the Matador Coupe killed my prom night. That was back in the late 80s for me; today, these awkwardly designed machines are somewhat collectible. I hear the V8s weren’t half bad either, but I drove a straight-six with a three speed automatic. Garbage. Despite the mass of the coupe, the rear seat was tiny… once again dashing my prom-night aspirations. Rolling birth control – Junior Prom 1987
2001 Pontiac Aztek – It’s almost cliché to make fun of the Pontiac Aztec. Almost. You see, I feel the Pontiac Aztec was an early indicator of trouble at General Motors. I mean, the general idea of building a crossover out of a minivan platform has had some success (think Honda Pilot), but that should have been as far as the idea went. Seriously, who looked at the drawings,sketches and models of the Pontiac Aztek and said, “Looks good, let’s build it!?” Just like the aforementioned AMC Matador, there are a few clubs out there that consider my condemnation to be blasphemous. Whatever dude. The Pontiac Aztek defines ugly and it’s emblematic of GM’s fall. I’ve said it before, I hope those responsible for the Aztek’s design were forced to own one.
1996-99 Ford Taurus – Every positive chapter in history has its blight – and, boy, was the ’96-’99 a blight for Taurus. Ford managed to take one of the most successful designs of the day and ruin it with this Jack Telnack (chief designer) creation. Not only was the aesthetic hard to swallow, not only was the SHO’s spoiler the size of a boomerang, the performance was disappointing too. Ford has more than made up for this design in recent years – but we must remember how bad things got.
2000 Toyota Echo – Toyota put some great ideas into the Echo – save one… good looks. Good engineering, a roomy interior and a good reputation will only get you so far. If your car looks clown-ish and uncool, good luck convincing the coveted youth market – which the Toyota Echo was aimed squarely at. Fortunately, the Toyota Echo evolved into the easy-on-the-eyes Yaris.
1980 Chevrolet Citation – I wrote this four years ago and it still holds true: “The Chevrolet Citation was America’s 1st front-wheel-drive compact car (built in America). Now, I have no problem with the size of the car as it was a roomy compact car; I have a huge problem with the ungainly looks of the Citation. It was a fat car with skinny wheels, kind of like a hippo with zebra legs. The interior was ugly too; General Motors flipped the radio on its side to make room on the dashboard. I know how teenagers respond negatively to this car because I was forced to drive one (after my father caught me racing my Mustang).”
Think you have a better choice? Go ahead and let us know. Who knows? We might make another list based on your suggestions!
Speaking of polarizing designs, check out this video of one cute car and one not-very-cute car. A modern-day rolling birth control machine? Perhaps.
Seriously, Honda can do a MUCH better job with design than this. I know they can.
